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You Asked: Being Perfect All the Time Is Killing Me!

Fri, 06/27/2008 - 6:00am by DearSugar
974 Views - 23 comments

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend is an Aries, which means that he expects nothing but the best from me and he's under the impression that I should do everything right the first time. He wants me to be perfect in every way but I'm finding it exhausting. I try to suggest that he empathize with me but he doesn't get it and as a result, he makes me feel inferior and limited. What can I do to appear more confident and self-assured? — Pushed Too Far Patricia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Pushed Too Far Patricia,

Well it's no wonder you feel inferior and limited — I would too if I had a boyfriend like that! No one can be perfect all the time, and in actuality, perfection is so subjective that you might never meet your boyfriend's ideal. The thing about being the best you can be is learning from your mistakes, so if your boyfriend doesn't understand that it's nearly impossible to do everything right the first time, every time, you might be better off dating someone that does.

Relationships are all about growing together as a couple, so if you're only left to feel bad about yourself after spending time with him, something has got to change, and fast. It sounds like talking to him isn't helping so lay down the law. Tell him that you don't like the way his unattainable expectations make you feel and that if he doesn't start to accept you for who you are, he's going to have to get used to being single.

Having self-confidence comes with loving yourself but when you have someone who's constantly pointing out your flaws, it can make it really difficult to see all the positive attributes you do have. Don't hang onto this guy if things don't change, Patricia. You deserve to be with someone that loves you and all your imperfections.

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23 Comments Add a Comment

  • Marni7's picture
    Marni7
    1

    How are you asking what YOU can do to "appear" more confident!?!?
    Woman! You need to gain REAL confidence for you and only you.
    This is far from a healthy relationship..it sounds like a way a parent may act towards a child. You are a grown woman and do not need to take this! maybe you need to start demanding for him to be more perfect...because he seems very far from that

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • chatondeneige's picture
    chatondeneige
    2

    I find it weird that you would blame it on his sign. People can be perfectionists, regardless of whether they're an Aries or not. Heck, I'm an Aries, and I'm as far from perfectionist as you can get. It sounds like he's a rigid, unforgiving jerk, and that can hardly be attributed to an astrological sign.

    That said, I'm with Dear on this one. It sounds like you've made your case to him, he hasn't budged on his unreasonable expectations, so as hard as it is, it might be time to move on. Good luck.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • sundaygreen's picture
    sundaygreen
    4

    My ex-boyfriend is an Aries and he was the most laid back boyfriend ever. Sounds like you're making excuses for your jerk of a boyfriend, missy.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • SaucySassy's picture
    SaucySassy
    5

    I think this poster is younger maybe a teenager - I agree with Dear's advice.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • LesleyP825's picture
    LesleyP825
    6

    My husband is an Aries and he is FAR from perfect. But that's why I love him!

    Life is too short to be perfect all the time. I think it's time for you to move on be with someone who loves you no matter what.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • sunnyheart's picture
    sunnyheart
    7

    Because he's an Aries??? No no no honey. There's a lot wrong with this picture.

    Maybe he's an Aries, maybe he's an a****le... who knows? But if you're using his astrological sign as an excuse for his behavior, or your behavior, it's a bad sign.

    To feel more confident you've got to go back to the basics--hit the gym, invest more energy into your job, talk to female friends, buy some new shoes/makeup/haircut. Attempting to "appear" more confident will be obviously transparent and won't fix anything. And PS--I dated this same guy when I had no self-esteem, and he was a Sagittarius.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • sunnyheart's picture
    sunnyheart
    8

    And I agree Sassy, she sounds younger. If the OP is young, don't worry honey, believe in yourself and that you deserve better. He won't be the only one to come along.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • cmd0610's picture
    cmd0610
    9

    Patricia girl you need to do a reality-check (from all of the good advice from these comments and from Dear) and get out of this- it's not a real relationship if you feel this way and are having to change- I'm sure you are a lovely girl being just you . . . be strong girl don't hang on to something like this, there'll be someone out there who loves you for you and all your "imperfections".

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • winniecooper's picture
    winniecooper
    10

    "Well it's no wonder you feel inferior and limited — I would too if I had a boyfriend like that!"

    I have to strongly disagree with Dear on the above. No one can MAKE anyone feel inferior and limited. Like Marni7 said, you don't need to "appear" confident, you have to actually be confident. You have to work on this within yourself before you can work on issues with a boyfriend. If a confident woman were told to be more "perfect in every way" she would tell the guy to get a life and kiss her perfect a**.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • quietriott's picture
    quietriott
    13

    eleanor roosevelt once said "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission." and it's something i like to remind myself when i start letting myself feel inferior, and it really helps.

    consider yourself at equal standing with everyone you meet, and you will find that you will gain confidence as well as friends. while someone may have more money, be better at a job, smarter, or more attractive, everyone has qualities and abilities that make them in some way "better" at something, which essentially in my mind puts everyone at equal standing.

    and don't consider yourself superior to anyone, it's judgemental and snobby, and other people find it annoying (just as inferiority complexes can get annoying).

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • TheMissus's picture
    TheMissus
    14

    Not all Aries are perfectionists. I am and Aries, and so is The Husband. We don't expect perfection from others by any means.

    Sounds like you have a jerk of a b-friend. Why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel like that?

    I say drop him and find someone who makes you feel special.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • MartiniLush's picture
    MartiniLush
    15

    Why are you passing off your bf's loser behavior as his SIGN? Come on, that is pathetic! Kick that ass to the curb and go out and find someone who loves you for who you are and will give you some respect! You deserve so much better!

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • Jude C's picture
    Jude C
    16

    His demands have nothing to do with his star sign and everything to do with him being a fussy D-bag.

    If you don't dump him, at least ask yourself, the next time he's being critical and demanding, whether he's as perfect as he expects you to be! I bet the answer will be a big, fat NO.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • Dublin62505's picture
    Dublin62505
    17

    The best act of self-assurance and confidence would be in ending your relationship with Mr. Toxic. He sounds like the type of cad that shows a woman off in public and beats her down in private.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • gossipqueen's picture
    gossipqueen
    18

    DUMP HIM! That'll show him!

    Being an Aries has NOTHING to do with being a JACK*SS!

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • javsmav's picture
    javsmav
    19

    I lie & cheat all the time, but it's OK b/c I'm a virgo.

    WTH? When did a silly astrological sign become an excuse to treat people poorly? Being in a relationship should make you feel confident. The idea is that you have someone who loves you and wants to be around you and thinks you're just plain great. Sure, they should call you out on stuff & help you work through things to become a better person. But if you feel like crap when you are in a relationship, then get the hell out and find someone who makes you feel good about yourself.* And don't make excuses for his sorry ass.

    * Please note I am NOT suggesting that you need to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself--that comes from within, but your partner should build on those preexisting feelings of self-worth. He shouldn't put you down.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • GlowingMoon's picture
    GlowingMoon
    20

    I agree -- your boyfriend sounds toxic. He's the problem, not you. Consider leaving him. In the long run, I think you would be better off.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • The Drunk Lady's picture
    The Drunk Lady
    21

    He sounds more like a Virgo...lol It's unrealistic for anyone to expect perfectionism in another person. Causing you to feel inferior and limited (which I'm assuming is another word for stupid) is emotionally and psychologically abusive. Maybe he's projecting his lack of perfection onto you. Is his name, Lord Perfection or does he think it's God?

    Whatever it is, remind yourself often how strong, smart and capable you are. Remind yourself what he's saying is not true. His JUDGMENT isn't valid. He's not the authority on perfection. I'm sure he has quite a few imperfections of his own. Healthy relationships consist of acceptance and support. Why is it that couples want to change each other? My feeling is, if you change the other person into what you want/expect them to be, then they are no longer the person you fell in love with.

    Do you want to be tied to someone who's chooses to be a mean, controlling a--hole. Next, he'll be telling you who you can and cannot hang out with. Which would you rather have, positive or negative reinforcement? I choose positive. Dump him and get someone as smart as you. He's a self-righteous idiot.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • JaimeLeah526's picture
    JaimeLeah526
    22

    Is your boyfriend perfect? NO so why should you be? It has nothing to do with him being an Aries he's an *sshole, hun. Dump his ass and find someone who doesn't expect you to be perfect.

    8 weeks 6 days ago Report Comment
  • rhedfoxx's picture
    rhedfoxx
    23

    Yeah that Aries thing is serious, man. My boyfriend is definitely a perfectionist like yours and that shyt can make u go crazy. Me though, I've learned to accept that nothing is going to satisfy that part of him and so, I should just be myself.lol. Either he accepts you for who you are, or have none of you. After I accepted that, I've been fine!

    5 weeks 5 days ago Report Comment

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