I understand how you feel, even though I have never been in your predicament. It is normal, I think, to be angry with the other half of the reason why you're in this situation; after all, all this wouldn't have happened if he didn't exist. This said, you are probably forgetting to be angry at the first half of the equation - yourself! And maybe that's why you're directing all of your feelings of frustration and sadness at him. You need to work this out for yourself too - you cannot come out of this unscathed, and speaking to a therapist or a counselor would probably help you tremendously.

Also, it is obvious that it is being affectionate (and sexual!) with him that has brought you into this tough spot, so you're subconsciously avoiding the behaviors that got your pregnant in the first place. Added to that is the fact that this is all happening to YOUR body, and you're just feeling protective of it at the moment - of course you don't want no guy anywhere near you! Maybe you could try just lying there holding his hand. Tell him you're feeling uncomfortable at the moment and need him to be present without being too close physically; and insist it is nothing personal.

You are both very young and he's probably not reacting the exact way you'd like him to - but you must get used to that right now : men, and other people in general, never fully meet our expectations; however, it doesn't mean they aren't giving and caring in their own way, and you must work on seeing what he offers you even if it doesnt always fit what you need and/or desire. He's also probably totally freaked out. So give him a bit of leeway and allow him his moments of hanging out with friends and playing video games. He needs them to cope with the intensity of the situation.

I think you need to work on this together; it is a big deal, what's happened, and what will happen; you will probably not feel like being intimate for quite a while, but you have to take it as it comes, communicate a lot, and not stew into your feelings of rejection towards him, or you will never come out of them. It is like having anxiety - the more you think about it, the worse it gets. So go see someone for yourself, keep the lines of communication open with him, and make small efforts to be nice and sweet to him (and tolerant of his incapacity at being perfect!). He's going through this too - and is probably projecting some of the same fears, anxieties, anger, sadness, and bewilderment as you are.

In any event, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's going to be hard and I feel for you. But keep your head high, and don't forget that in his own way, he is there for you, and you will work this out together. Tough shit is what makes a relationship - when you realize you have a PARTNER next to you, not just a playpal

Good luck - and stay safe.

I can't think of anything to add to kartolla just said. She always gives great advice. I hope everything works out. Good luck.

Puddlesworth I hope you are kidding because thats an awful thing to say to someone in such a fragile position.

Dearsugar, considering the accusatory and staggeringly insensitive nature of the previous comment, do you think perhaps it should be removed? I am not certain of the protocol; I just feel terrible that the poster was responded to in such an inappropriate manner.

My advice would echo that of Karlotta's. I would also like to emphasize that you are NOT a cry baby nor any other critical failing you may direct toward/call yourself. Be gentle with yourself, patient and kind. You are so strong for going through this.

I understand no one has the right to judge anyone. This is a warning for you: things will not be the same once you get an abortion since that action will follow you. My sister has had two and I believe that she would be a better person today if she would have been a WOMAN and accepted those kids in her life, now she just feels sorry for herself. Please consider this comment that is given with the most humility.

I agree that puddlesworth's comment is completely inappropriate.

This is a difficult situation so of course you are going to have a lot of strong feelings and the hormones that come with pregnancy don't make it easier to deal with them.

If you know you are making the right choice, just try to get through it with the support of your friends/family and worry about your relationship with your boyfriend once its over.

However, at the same time you should try to talk about your feelings with him openly if you can because he is probably having a hard time too.

Good luck!

20 is awfully young for a baby and so I can understand your need for an abortion. I agree with karlotta that you may be subconsciously avoiding the steps that brought you to his place. But perhaps you may be angry with him because although it was a two person, er, project, you were the one stuck with the consequences while he seem to come out unscathed. I would just let him know where you're at and just keep working from there. Good luck, no decision is easy here.

If you're in school, get counseling on campus. It can help a great deal. Talk to your boyfriend about your feelings, don't shut him out or blame him.

P.S. don't listen to anti-choice losers, their ignorant comments show their true colors.

Two words: pregnancy hormones.

I hope everything goes well and you feel better after next week.

This might help:
http://www.imnotsorry.net/

20 is so young sweetheart. You have YOUR whole life ahead of you.

I was so angry with my husband when I had an abortion right after I had my daughter. (I had just experienced making life that it felt so wrong.) We weren't ready for another though. And I'm Ssssso glad it turned out this way because having one infant/toddler is work enough! So it is VERY normal to feel angry with your significant other. I was so angry he couldn't feel my pain or the experience -- but he was by my side as much as he could be. (I was very confused was "I making an awful mistake?" I even had a name for my 2nd child. My daughter's name is Chloe' and Cleo would have been her irish-twin. Sometimes I stop and wonder how my life would be. I'm getting kind of teary-eyed, ekk. I have so much love for my daughter, I can't imagine having to share that with another child.. I feel like with just one I get to give my daughter everything.)

I do, however, disagree with the first person's comment on here, especially since she has not experienced this. It is not the time to be angry with yourself. That will only make this choice harder for you.

Ultimately this has to be your decision. Either way you are probably going to reevaluate your relationship with this young man if you decide to keep this baby or not. That is normal too. (If I was in your position I DOUBT I would stay with him.)

My husband really left it up to me, but I could tell in his eye he wasn't ready for another child in our lives. We had such a difficult time with my daughter having colic and it was all crazier than we thought it would be. It was even more confusing because he actually wants more children!?!?! There are just a ton of different angles to deal with in deciding to have an abortion.

I really recommend making a list of reasons it would be good to have and not to have. Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years from now? What about school? Who will you live with or will you live alone? Before you told your boyfriend, did you want to keep this baby? I think now days there are plans and more options available out there for single mothers. (And by no means am I saying that being a single mother is easy!)

The feelings for him are perfectly normal, and I'm sure you hate to hear it but are partial hormonal. I think you need to put his childishness aside first and figure out what you want for yourself. After you make your choice, give yourself a little time to figure out how you feel about him.

Best of luck to you sweetheart!

Everyone has given great advice, but heres one thing id like to say:

It is OK, NOT to feel guilty. It is OK to be nicely demanding. It is OK to cry. You really need to focus on getting through the next month or so, and you should be the priority. If its too difficult to be around your beau, thats OK too. There are no rules to going through this, it is awful and a really hard time in life.

I would also recommend talking to your beau and explaining how confused you are, and how much support you need. He really shouldnt be going out with friends or whatever when your stuck at home in despair. Let him know it wont be for long.

Thats the best I can do, I'm sorry as I know its really tough.

It may seem a little weird for you but if you want to talk to someone (trust me I can help) then Patsy your more than welcome to PM me, in total confidence I swear. Its just hard being honest in such a public forum

that is so kind of you gemsera. ditto to you Patsy.

Hon, I'm so sorry for your hard time. This is very, very serious. You are allowed to feel conflicting emotions. I second the counseling suggestion - this is a heavy burden of a situation and I strongly recommend you (and your boyfriend too, if he can) go through a few therapy sessions. It's okay to ask for help. I also strongly recommend that you keep the lines of communication with your boyfriend wide open. Explain how you're feeling explicitly to him. But I do recommend seeing a counselor.

Like many posters, I understand and respect your choice.

As far as your anger, if I were you, I would definitely be introspective and learn WHY you're angry with him. I don't know the details of your relationship (or the details of how you got unexpectedly pregnant), but definitely, try to know yourself, and learn the REAL reason you're angry with him. Anger is a REACTION to something -- it's never the root of the problem. Once you figure out WHY you're angry with him, you can take steps to resolve it.

Good luck, and take care.

Isn't it always easier for the guy? He's not the one who's pregnant... or the one who's contemplating an abortion happening to HIS body. I am not Ok with the practice of aborting babies, that being said, I can still feel symapthy for you in your situation. Your BF is young,just as you are, and it's easier for him to go on with life as usual than it is for you. I think that knowing that, and all the emotions tangled up in this for you, are what is leading to your not wanting his body close to yours right now, you also probably feel that he is getting off easier in this than you are, even though you both did the same deed(which is understandable!)
These feelings are normal. And will probably continue well after you complete the abortion(if that is indeed what you decide to do.)
You'll need to work through all of this... I wish that i could take this tough decision away from you. I hope that you pray, maybe if you don't, now may be a good time to start. God is always there and waiting to love on you, you know
Just know that it is your decision in the end, if he wanted you to keep your child alive,he would have rights in this situation, similarily if you want to keep your child alive you also have rights.... Please consider adoption.... not only does your child get to live then, but it is less guilt-producing to know that you have sacrificed a little(being pregnant for 9 months and giving birth)in order to give a huge gift(your child's life.)

Hmm, Glamourpuss, I never said she SHOULD be angry with herself, I only said that she may be feeling this angry at him because she's projecting a piece of anger and blame that she in fact feels towards herself and hasn't faced yet. I would certainly think it's normal to feel that way - if I had gotten pregnant at the wrong time of my life and had to get an abortion, I would be mad at myself. And maybe that anger would be too hard to deal with, and I would direct it towards the other culprit!

Of course she shouldn't BLAME herself (yet that doesn't mean she shouldn't take responsibility). I'm 3000% pro-choice, but I know that it's a tough f*cking decision anyway, and it cannot possibly happen without its fair share of guilt and shame. It's not a piece of advice "hey, feel guilty, that will make sh*t better!" - it's just the reality of the situation, the package of emotions that comes with the situation. And facing all of them, not just indulging a blind complacency that may mask important feelings to work through, is the best way to come out of this stronger, clearer, and better able to deal.

I may have expressed myself the wrong way, but I certainly didn't mean what you think!

Woah, calm down.. Originally you said:
"you are probably forgetting to be angry at the first half of the equation - yourself!"

After I posted that, I realized I forgot to add that I agree with everything else you said.

(I wish people weren't so sensitive and pissed off on here. Evvverytime I post something people either don't understand my tone and think I'm being a b*tch or something. Half the time I'm laughing while I'm typing, but not in this girl's case/post.)

I wasn't trying to attack you in anyway. I just didn't agree with that statement. Everything else you said was right on. They do need to work on this issue together, etc.

Honestly, there is probably not an easy or perfect solution for you.

Do whatever you can live with best and seek good counseling.

I'm 20 and I've never been in this situation, but I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years (he's 21) and I understand the strains of being in a young relationship. Your hormones are doing work on you right now on top of the fact that you're stressed about the abortion. It's natural and totally fine to feel upset about even the smallest things right now. What you need is more support from your boyfriend, but he needs support from you as well. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Men deal with things differently than we do and you have to try to take that into account. I'm sure he's freaked out about your pregnancy and abortion. Hanging out with his friends and playing video games is his way of escaping the reality that he faces. It's easier for men to put their feelings on the back burner than it is to come out and address their emotions. Plus, the fact that you've been upset with him probably makes him feel uncomfortable around you. He's just trying to deal. The best thing that the two of you could possibly do is sit down and have an open heart to heart conversation. Make an agreement beforehand to be fair and not cast judgment on one another. The last thing you want to do is regret opening up to him because you'll never feel safe being vulnerable again (and he'll feel the same too if he feels attacked during your talk). My boyfriend and I have done this plenty of times before and it helps so much, and it will make your relationship stronger. Just make sure you explain your feelings in full detail, but avoid saying "you" too much. Like say something like "I've been feeling a lot of anger and frustration lately and It's been affecting our relationship. I want to be affectionate and loving, but when I try to I feel uncomfortable. The pregnancy situation has been really tough on me and I would like to get through this together and be happy." But don't say "You've been making me angry. I don't like being affectionate with you. You've been making this pregnancy hard on me. You need to be here for me." Of course you don't have to say what I've said, but you can get the idea. I really hope that my advice helped you in someway. Good luck with everything! And don't forget that you're a strong woman and no matter what happens you'll make it through!

I had a good friend go through a similar situation in college - she chose to use RU-486 and go through the process at home and her boyfriend just could not find it in himself to stay with her and be supportive. She really just wanted someone to sit with her and comfort her - help her with the physical needs and be there for the emotional ones too. Instead, he would stop by occasionally, make excuses and leave quickly. She was lucky to have good friends who played that role, and it sounds like you are lucky to have the same kind of wonderful friends in your life. However, this isn't your friends' pregnancy - this difficult time belongs to you and your boyfriend, as as much to him as to you. Unfortunately, it's not happening to his body and so I'm sure it's easier for him to try to ignore it as much as possible, and frankly, there aren't a lot of 20 year-old men (boys actually) out there who have the emotional maturity to be the support that you need. Be that as it may, you still deserve more of an effort and he needs to understand that this is an incredibly difficult time and you should be his priority.

You say that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, so hopefully that means he is the type of guy who will listen to you. You are completely justified in asking for more support and understanding and I sincerely hope that things get better from here. Be kind to yourself

I went the route BridgetJones is talking about. If it's early enough, before 9 weeks I think, that could be an option. I was very lucky my husband spent the day in bed with me, catering to my needs. He rubbed my back for me while I cried.. I had back contractions/pain, whatever. It was hard to catch my breath and was pretty painful, but I would do it that way again if I had to do it all over again. Having it done in the privacy of my home felt much more comfortable than being in the room full of upset women (that I saw when I went in for my appointment.. they told me I had both options and it took an extra day but I went w/that option instead). They gave me some Tylenol w/codeine that worked very well to kill the pain.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm not pro abortion after abortion after abortion. And I didn't even tell any of my friends until about a year and a half later. I needed time to deal. I used to stop to think about how old the baby would have been. But yeah, I don't know anyone on here, so it's not like I have to worry about these people think. I'm just offering support. This whole thing kind of has me sad today. It would be 2 years ago this September.)

personally, I would never be able to go with justanerd1975's advice. to carry my child for 9 months and give birth to her/him and then give it away? it would be heartbreaking. and it would be much more emotionally and physically draining than if I had the abortion in the first place. I really feel for you. but I think it's great that you and your boyfriend agreed on what to do next. and on how to approach him, I completely agree with fabulouslady87. go with your gut and what's best for you. you are the only one that will live with the outcome, so do what is best for you.

>blockquote>Just know that it is your decision in the end, if he wanted you to keep your child alive,he would have rights in this situation,

Actually, he wouldn't. Men have legal rights if a child is born. But they have no 'right' to control whether one is born or not.

Wow, what a tough situation. My heart goes out to you.

I agree with so much that's been said here already, and pregnancy hormones, I'm sure, come into play with your feelings. But I think it's possible that even though you feel it's not the time to have a child and not keeping it is your own choice, there could be a part of you buried very deep down that wishes you *could* keep it; wishes that your boyfriend would suggest that. So your feelings towards him could come from that.

Hang in there. You're the only one who knows what's right for you, and sometimes doing the right thing for ourselves can be indcredibly difficult.

Good luck to you.

I am so sorry, this is such a hard situation. I am also 20, and have had a scare before but never been in your situation. Really though, you sound like you are doing the best you possible could in this situaion. Your bf sounds fairly mature, at least much more than most of the 20-something guys I know, and you have amazing supportive friends. You also know what you need to do even though it is a hard choice to make either way, you are being mature and doing what is best for all of you (I'm completely pro choice.)

Obviously I don't know why you feel the way you do...but I'm pretty sure if I was in your situation, I would be angry with the bf because he doesn't have to go through what I would. It's really not fair at all in my opinion, it's like, he contributes 50%, gets to have fun, and then doesn't have to deal with any consequences because even though he IS sticking around and dealing with the consequences, he always has the option to run away (even if it's the wrong thing to do), and you just don't have that option no matter what. And I would be very annoyed that he can go "escape" from reality when I can't...because even if you go hang out with friends or play video games, that growing person inside of you is there, and you (I assume) are very VERY constantly aware of it. So I would want him to have to go through what I'm going through, I wouldn't want him to be able to go "escape" when I don't even have that option.
I mean y'all both contributed 50% to get yourselves where you are now, so why does he get to take a break from the stress?? And the fact that he goes to take breaks with friends or whatever makes it seem like he doesn't understand or even care that you can't do that. I know that guys in this situation have a lot of stress and have to handle their feelings about it too, but you just can't tell me that it is even CLOSE to what the girl feels.

So yeah, I think you are justified to feel the way you feel, whether it is your hormones or not (the fact that it might be hormones working here just emphasizes the point that he is not going through what you are). I think you are right, and that he should be spending more time with you and helping you through this EXTREMELY hard process/time, you have to deal with it 24/7 why does he get to run away and forget about it part of the time??? If you can cope constantly, he can learn to do that too.

As for feeling like you don't want to touch/be intimate with him, I agree with Karlotta. You might subconsciously be pushing him away because that's what got you into the problem in the first place. Being intimate right now probably triggers all the stress and thoughts about your situation, so it is very understandable that you don't want to do anything with him.

So...you really need to talk to your bf about everything you are feeling, in a nice way, not a fight of course. It sounds like you haven't talked to him about your feelings at all, and it also sounds like you have been very good and mature about handling the situation, so maybe even your bf is fooled and thinks you are doing better than you actually are, all the while he is freaking out, poor guy, it might make you both feel better to know that you both need some support and can help give that support to each other. He is probably also trying to give you some space because you haven't been wanting to be close to him recently, guys tend to do that in my experience at least. Instead of being comforting and getting closer like a close girl-friend would, they think you need space to sort things out on your own(I guess b/c that is how they handle stress best). So just talk to him and I'm sure he will want to make you feel better if he just knows how.
I hope I helped at least a little bit, and just know that you can get through this. Just deal with problems day to day and it will get better! Good luck!

I haven't been in the situation, but my only advice to you would to be completely honesty. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your boyfriend about how you are feeling right now. This is very possibly one of the biggest decisions you are ever going to make...and once its done, its done...make sure you sort out all your emotions. I would imagine your reaction is completely normal, but like I said, I haven't been in your shoes.

I haven't been in the situation, but my only advice to you would to be completely honesty. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your boyfriend about how you are feeling right now. This is very possibly one of the biggest decisions you are ever going to make...and once its done, its done...make sure you sort out all your emotions. I would imagine your reaction is completely normal, but like I said, I haven't been in your shoes.

"personally, I would never be able to go with justanerd1975's advice. to carry my child for 9 months and give birth to her/him and then give it away? it would be heartbreaking. and it would be much more emotionally and physically draining than if I had the abortion in the first place."

I agree with you, PiNkY PiNk. Personally, I would think the same way. Giving up a baby for adoption is not the answer for everyone.

How can it be harder on you emotionally and physically to give a baby life? It is easier,then,to allow someone to stab it to death in your womb and pull it out in pieces? That's not emotionally and physically draining?? I'm not wanting to be harsh, I just want to be honest- no one should sugar coat this process or lie about it(not pointing to anyone in particular here.) I just find it so sad(literally sad, not trying to be sarcastic)that anyone would ever think it'd be less damaging to abort a child than to go through a pregnancy... and just because we never get the opportunity to have the baby grow in our womb or hold it after it is born doesn't mean that we never get to know it,glamourpuss let us know she felt her babies presence and still thinks of her to this day. She is being honest with you, thank God for her. We might be fooled into thinking that it'd be easier on us to just do an abortion, but this is not the case in almost Every Case. I have sat through the day,weeks and years after with 3 of my close friends(all who were in their early 20's when they chose abortion) and I have been to many a support group with all but one of them and have heard from a lot of women about this. I used to be pro-choice(for all the reasons many people are) *until I saw what the realities of this practice really are. People don't know how it's actually done, how it does affect the mother, and the father, and since I am a Christian now I can now feel how much it greaves God. I am NOT trying to heap guilt on anyone, please know that. I am only wanting to communicate that the Lord loves your babies and He will be there to give you the grace you need to be able to help them be born and have a life, that is all I am saying. I know it is hard to carry a baby and then give it away, I have a friend who became pregnant in high school and did this she was not a super close friend but we all saw her do this and she was very respected for it. I know that she has had the pangs of pain of missing her child just as a mother who aborted would have, but the difference as she said is that the pains are tempered with her knowledge that she gave her child a good life, and for that she feels comforted. I wish I could give the OP a big hug. And you too, glamourpuss, God bless you for being so honest with this young lady. I know this is personal, but please forgive?, I don't know if you struggle with guilt sometimes or not or if your a believer or not, but please know that God is willing,ready and able to freely forgive and love all of us, He doesn't hang our mistakes over our heads. I don't mean to preach(I am definately not a preacher!)just want to share light to break up all the darkness in the world, I know with all that I am that it is God's will to forgive and to love us back into shape. He has done it for me!! Love all you ladies...

I had my oldest son when I was 2 weeks past my 19th birthday and yes, things were harder but no I will never,ever regret it. {{hugs}}

woah woah justanerd. Theres no need to put graphic (perhaps incorrect) statements out there in order to shock someone into doing what you did, the poor poster needs to make her own informed (by professionals) choice.

The whole point of this entire thread is to give support, not advice about the choice, and your post is certainly not supportive.

Wait... stab it to death and pull it out in pieces? It's less than half a centimeter long at 6 weeks and has no human markings whatsoever. I don't think there will be any stabbing going on.

I don't mean to undermine the gravity of the situation, since the emotional effects are obviously not proportional to the size of the embryo. I have never been in your situation and feel unqualified to give any advice except for this: make sure that having an abortion is your own decision. Your post worries me in that you said your girlfriends put everything in motion for you. It's great that they have given you their support, but do not let them pressure you at all. This is a huge decision and it needs ultimately to be your own.

Best of luck to you!

My posts were meant to be supportive and informative, not unsupportive. I'm sorry if they came across unsupportive.

I know that what I said about the procedure is exact, but it's not incorrect. The idea is to offer truthful information and to let people make their own informed choices... many planned parenthood type clinics are not telling people how they perform the procedure because they don't want to alarm people, well it may be alarming but it's the truth and we all deserve to know the truth.
Gemsera, maybe at 6 weeks the child is small, but to say it has no human markings at all is incorrect... there is a heartbeat at 3 weeks. And the entire DNA, half from mother and half from father...I agree with you cotedazur about not letting anyone preassure you in a situation like this. This is a time for personal reflection and not anyone else's decision.
I have already added you to my prayers, OP. I don't need to know who you are to pray for you, God knows And He loves you tons, and if I sound cheesy saying so, so be it